*~ Leading A Misery Life ~*

Dear Bloggie,

Life has been very difficult recently and i really don't know for how long i can stay. I have used all the patience i have to deal with this misery life of mine hoping everything will be fine soon. For now, every single aspect of my life is extremely terrible. Too many things are playing in my mind right now and they are really affecting me negatively. People around me always come and go, thus i am questioning who will always stand by my side. Yes, i do not deny that family members are always there for you, but they don't know as much as my friends know and sometimes, i just don't want them to worry so much.

I have been very tough even since during my childhood and it is not my choice to be tough, but the situations that i have gone through shape me to be like this. Yes, i do not deny that it is good to be tough so that i can learn how to face challenges and be independent. However, being tough always really makes me feel very tired. Thank God, until this moment, i still know how to be grateful that even though my life is tough, there are people whose life is even tougher than mine.

Who never think of ending their life before? Everyone does. So do i. But, i am just a coward who don't dare to do that. When i regain my consciousness everytime after i have that thought, i scold myself for thinking like that. I am too selfish to just end my life in a snap. How about people around me? It seems like my problems are solved by suiciding but actually, it creates more problems to people around me. Thank God, until this moment, i still know how to be grateful that my mum gave birth to me in a complete and good condition, and provides me with good standard of living, as i can observe there are people who are less fortunate than me.

Finally, i am sick and on top of my left eye swells. Everytime i blink my eyes, i can feel the pain and as if there is something which blocks a bit of my eyesight. Sigh...There are still a lot of things to be done. Exam is coming real soon, and Year 1 of my course is also coming to its end. Yes, there are three months of holiday but it does not mean i am going to be totally free. I will be working at the account department of a company which provides real estate and property services starting on the following Monday after the exam week. I hope this job really give me a lot of exposures since accounting is what i am studying now. It 's related. By the way, if you think that i still have Saturdays and Sundays, partially it is true, but i am still occupying myself with something. *Wink wink*

Why am i in rush? I just know i can waste no time and i must work when it comes to semester break or yearly break, unless if i can't find any job. Previously, if i had two weeks, i would get a job. If i had two months, i would also get a job. No need to mention further when it comes to the moment where i have three months break. I want to earn as much as i can so that i won't be struggling too much to pay back the study loan in future.

Again, i am questioning until when can i stand this misery life of mine.

Regards,
Autumn