Tuesday, November 11, 2008

~* Whine, Girl! Whine! *~

For once, i told myself that i would break down anytime in this week due to overstress in studying for final exam. I guess this is the time. I recalled back how i had done in the papers which i sat for today and yesterday while on my way home. I am not struggling to pass in those two papers, but they are easy to fail . After realising that i won't be failing in those two papers, another issue arises. The grades. How good can they be? I think this is the worst semester as for now. I just have to blame it on myself.

May be this is the first semester of my second year after 3 months of break and hence, the mood to study was not really there at the very beginning until it was boosted when the midterm test was around the corner. For the next reason, i don't know i should blame it on myself or other people. My dearest friends know that my mum is a babysitter and the kid's parents will only come to fetch him at 9 something. At night. Sometimes, they even come at 10. By that time, i am totally exhausted and how many hours can i stay up to study before i sleep? Two or three hours? But, sometimes, i am extremely exhausted until i can't really stay up just to study! Yea yea~ Also, blame it on my own system. Once the clock strikes 12 or the latest by 1, i must go to bed knowing that if i don't do so, i will be a zombie the very next morning.

You might suggest that i take a nap while the kid is here and start to study when he is gone home? It's not that i never did that before. It did not work out when the kid just kept waking me up just to play, eat or watch cartoons with him. Even if he did not do that, sometimes, the television was loud! You might suggest me to close the door. Mum demolished the door many years ago because the door was really useless and wasting some space. You might suggest me to whack the kid if he happens to disturb me again. Unfortunately, he is never afraid of me. The same thing happened to me with other kids that my mum looked after before this. Seriously, i have to admit one thing. I am glad that i have the intelligence. Otherwise, with less hours of studying, my results throughout the education years would not be that good as being obtained. Alright. Enough of reasoning here. Let's put it this way. 99% of the blame is on me because it all comes back to my own problem in planning and determination, and the other 1% is on other environmental factors. Done?

Like i said earlier, after knowing that most probably i will be passing the papers, the next thing to be worried about is the grades. It seems like my hope to maintain myself in second upper class is fading away. I just feel life is fooling me. The more effort i put in, the results are getting worse. I did not even bother to study so much throughout my education years including the year when i was doing my foundation course. However, my results were not bad at all. But proceeding to degree is totally different. More effort is put in but what happens next? The effort does not match with the results. Damn.

Aiming high. Aiming low. This is making me feeling that life is all about aiming. I aim my destination, and i lead my steps there. But, with what i have mentioned earlier, aiming is making me so tired. I aim high; i get the results wanted; i am happy. I aim high; i don't get the results wanted; i am upset. I aim low; i get something better than i aim; i am happy. I aim low; i get something that is aimed; i am just feeling nice and glad. At the end of all these, aiming too much can lead to being fatigue sometimes. Still, i have to keep aiming for nonstop in life! As simple as where i am going to, i still have to aim! It is not that i disagree about aiming high in life, but constantly doing so is tired. Giving up on certain things sometimes might not be the worst solution.

All these are in my mind when i was on my way home this evening. I tried to nap so hard but i failed. I was really tired but my mind was being so restless with so many thoughts. I wanted to share these with people but i did not know who to tell. I did not feel like telling the one who is close to me yet as it is considered beginning of the week and i don't want what is being focused on is distracted because of my problem. Until just now, while taking a break from studying and discussing about the upcoming outing, i could not help myself but to share with them when one of them asked, "How is your day, Mich?" I felt touched with their words.

Two more papers to go with one of them totally hopeless to get a good grade in it. Together with the earlier two papers, out of four subjects, three of them are not really good. Worst semester. I can't wait for this semester to be over. I have been uttering the previous sentence long time ago. "I can't wait for this semester to be over."

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