*~ The Break Up ~*

You all must be wondering the reason i did not post anything for almost the past two weeks. Those who knew what had happened to me would think that i was too upset to post. Yes.... I was very upset the first few days after the incident happened. What had happened? I...i...i... He ended the our relationship of one year and almost five months.

Some of you who read his blog would have realised something was wrong there. Then, looking at my blog with no update previously during the same period, you all must be assuming the other way round as in i was the one suggested the break up. No...

Break up... Broke up... Break up... Broke up... Whatever. People out there, don't feel surprise. No need to have your jaw dropped and your eyes popped out. Problems just occured but there were invisible for you all. I bet most of you are covering your mouth laughing at me and saying i am deserved being dumped. But some of you will feel bad for me.

Before this, i thought that my life would be a disaster without him. Thus, the first few days after the break up, i begged him like nobody's business. Kept sending him messages and he would not reply once i mentioned about getting back together. It was a living hell and burning me alive! Lost appetite (I was fine with it because i took it as a diet plan). Cried myself to sleep everynight. Dreamt about him few times a night. Had my heart beating and "sour" every morning when i woke up realising that he was not together with me anymore.

However, totally out of my expectation, i moved on way too fast compared to other people whom once (or more than that) involved in a relationship that long. It was just few days after the break up! It might be due to the work i am currently doing now. I love the job so much. I love the people there. I love the environment there. Few hours later, it is already lunch time. Few hours later, it is time to go home. Few hours later, i am too tired and it is time to sleep.

Seeing me recovering extremely fast, my best friend said that i am just too upset even until now. Too upset until the moment i am numb of everything. I don't know how to cry anymore. I don't even know how to describe what happened anymore. Apparently, it seems like that i am recovering, but i am not. I am just forcing myself too hard to accept the fact. This is according to what she said.

People are expecting me to be very upset as they once knew how much this relationship meant to me. They were too surprised to see me as if nothing had happened. Like i said, i am too numb outside, and too hurtful inside.

However (again), i seriously have no idea what will happen in future especially when it is time to start college. Seriously. Facing our mutual friends. Going out together. Seeing him having another girlfriend (This hurts especially when i am dumped and still going to meet each other often unless i am really and truely moved on with life).

Some of my friends really went through the tough moment with me. Some of them even felt like sobbing when they saw me crying. Some even scolded me for being so silly and still hoping that he would come back to me. My mum also actually went through al these tough moments of the break up with me [Owh~ i really felt her love there].

He, from being a boyfriend, has become my ex.
My ex, from being an ex, has become my ex[square].

If my ex[square] is reading this post, he must be darn happy to know that i am dumped. Whatever my ex did to me when i begged him to come back to me, i did it once to me ex[square]. It is a curse! It is curse! No larr.... It is just a life cycle... (Damn!)

After the break up, i realised something which really pushed me far far away from him. I told him, "Being tired in a relationship is an excuse. If you truly love someone, you will still hang on no matter how tired you are. And even if you really still feeling tired, you will not ask for a break up permanently, but a period for each other to rest before getting back together. Based on what you have said to me, i guess you just don't have the feeling for me anymore". I won't be blaming him for this. I should be responsible too for what had happened to us.

I did not say it for no reason, but i went through the same thing. Once, i was tired to be with him as well but i still remained there. Not even once i was trying to suggest a break up.

Oh well.. nothing much. Just that sometimes:

• Seeing other people dating reminds me how both of us dated before.
• Wish that he is by myside when i am alone.
• Dream about him at night.
• Missing the moment of cuddling, attending event together, watching movie together, sharing food together, etc etc etc...

Those stuffs in Friendster, Facebook, my phone, MSN, i will just let them be first...