Wednesday, June 25, 2008

*~ Clueless ~*

Again, i was clearing up earlier and realising all my stuffs were everywhere! I did not really have time to do that before this and even if i did, i needed to rest and enjoy.

I opened the drawer and took out the things to rearrange them, i saw the ring that i used to wear throughout the relationship. I looked at it. It turned yellowish. I thought. It had been there for very long. Unwanted and forgotten. I wore it on my left ring finger. The same finger where i wore the same ring last time. It looked weird. I took it out and realised it was better without it.

Suddenly, the moments we spent together just played in my mind today. A lot of problem sharings had been done with different people before this. I do have things which make me feel regretful especially the moment i chose to drag the relationship when i knew he is not my type, he is not mine, we are not meant for each other, there was problem between us.

I know you all must be thinking like, "Yea right that you tolerated with him well in the relationship. I saw no tolerance from you AT ALL in your relationship." Again, please don't judge the book by its cover. Based on my personality, people would just expect me to walk away and would not be begging him to come back to me. People would also just expect me to even break up earlier than we did.

However, just because i told myself that everyone's imperfect (including myself), i kept on tolerating, waiting, loving, changing myself and tolerating. Oh well, i don't look at myself as an ALMIGHTY here. Don't misunderstand, please. I know he had high tolerance with me as well, okay? With all my tantrums and controls. I knew he also did try to change for the relationship's sake. What i'm trying to point out is when i knew things were getting faulty, i still chose to go on with the faulty path. Get it? Don't make your own assumption if you don't get my point here. Fuck off.

Kept dragging. Kept tolerating. Kept waiting. Kept looking. Kept changing. But i think the place where i got it wrong the most was loving someone who is not my cup of tea. (No worries. It is a past for me now.) Or, should i say that it is okay that i learn from there and like what the Chinese say, "At least you had it before"?

I keep on having this picture in my mind that something is needed to be completed. Something has been holding me back. I am close to reach the top of something. But some other thing is just holding me back! Something has to be done. I just don't know and i just let the time to tell. Seriously, i am clueless about the "something".

Posts in my blog which make you think that i am alright.
Pictures in my blog which make you think that i am alright.
Words i use to chat with you people which make you think that i am alright.
Smiles i have which make you think that i am alright.
In the end, they don't mean that i am absolutely ALRIGHT.

Deep inside me, i am just too fragile.
Too fragile to handle.
Too easy to be hurt.

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